Saturday, January 28, 2017


I like to play this game when I drive through the south called, Guess The Plantation.  It's a single player game, similar to solitaire or masturbation, and it usually happens when I've been staring at my phone for too long- also similar to solitare or masturbation.

This is how I play, Guess The Plantation:

I'm in the passenger seat cruising down 75, somewhere south of Atlanta but north of Florida, and I look up to see a large farm field sprinkled with cotton. It looks innocent enough, beautiful even. So I'm taking in this sweet farm field set against a darling big blue sky and think to myself, Wow, this is Instagram moment!

But then 7th grade Canadian history pops into my head and I remember all that, um, *stuff, about the south and I wonder if 200 years ago there were slaves on this field. Where now I see long, metal, automated machines, did there used to be rows of people, picking in this field? So then I use ole' Google Maps to search my location and ask Siri what this area was 200 years ago. Sometimes it's a plantation, sometimes it's a battle field, sometimes it's nothing at all. Admittedly, Guess The Plantation is not a super hype game but Eye Spy is too hard to play in a moving vehicle.

If I was cooler and drove drunk more, I'd play a drinking game where every time you see a confederate flag you have to drink. It would be the perfect pre-game, drinking game because their aren't enough confederate flags that if you drove for an hour you'd get wasted, but there are enough that if you drove for an hour you would have a nice little buzz on. You know, that perfect zone where you're super social but not sloppy. I call it The Confederate Flag Drinking Game. It's not a very creative name but branding is about simplicity.

I asked my friend what kind of people fly confederate flags outside their homes and he said people who have guns. Of course that is the answer. The argument from people down here, in defense of the flag is that it doesn't represent pro slavery beliefs, but rather it is the battle flag for courageous men who died protecting their family. Good answer. Whenever you're in an argument bring up protecting your family and immediately you gain some sympathy. Not always though. The government didn't seem to care about families in Waco, TX. But that is another drinking game all together!

I've been to a couple Civil War Museums in the south. Actually, I've inquired about going to a couple Civil War museums but without fail none of them mention slavery. It's always, The south fought for state rights! It was about agriculture! AGRICULTURE! The museums don't just avoid talking about the pesky slavery component, they flat out deny that it had anything to do with it at all. So I've never gone inside the museums. I'm not spending money on revisionist history. I can get plenty of that from my ex boyfriend.

And finally, I'd like to state for the record that the south is not filled with racists. It is filled with people with racist ancestors but something tells me that is not limited to the south.  The younger people I know in the south are the most tormented people I've ever met, specifically in reference to religion. So I play this game called Atheist or Mad At Dad?

The way I play it is when I hear a southern millennial complain about religion, I try to guess whether they were raised atheist or by overbearing Christian parents. In the south, 10 times out of 10, if someone hates God it's cause they were raised in the church. I would not recommend this as a drinking game in the south cause you would literally be wasted all time.

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